This post will go through a couple different phases I'm realizing, now that I am considering the material to be covered. My mind is not always linear, for which I sometimes apologize.
My mind first went to this title as I considered my interactions with a few people over the past week. I had a rather trying time, and the conversations I began to have with people in my mind (not out loud) were, at times, laced with profanity and insults. These interactions continued with my family. I was playing a new game with my mom and sister, and the two of them teamed up on me right out of the gate. The game was still fun, and I had to leave early to go to work, but as I was trying to decide how to best approach my family regarding my being upset at their conduct towards me, my thoughts again became aggressive and angry. I don't want to cuss at my mom! Sometimes I want to cuss at my sister, but not usually. It really put into perspective that I was not in a good place.
It also got me thinking about why I behave the way I do. Having studied economics, I have been reinforced in some ideas regarding why people act the way they do. Jeremy Bentham argued that all people like pleasure and hate pain. Adam Smith claimed that by pursuing ones own goals, they would benefit the whole. John Stuart Mill took these ideas one step further. Mill wanted everyone to benefit, but also encouraged our behaviors to not infringe on others (his works included pushing for state education, while minimizing taxes and government spending, but I don't think I'll go too into depth on that). Mill, generally known for his philosophical work over his economic work, adapted from a cold calculator to a deepened romantic. He determined that people should behave a certain way, but that they usually don't.
Economics teaches that people choose based on pleasure; more pleasure equates to a higher likelihood of the choice being made. So why are people nice? Why do people do charity work? Why calm children instead of yell at them? Hopefully people make that choice because it gives them a sense of happiness and satisfaction that they are doing good. I determined last Friday something strange regarding myself; many of my choices are made with regards to how others perceive me. Now, this probably isn't a rare occurrence, but I do wonder how many people recognize it about themselves. I don't think I really wanted to go to college, though I am glad I did. I didn't want the job I have, but I went though the application process because I thought it would be easier to do that than it would be to deny the person encouraging me a favor. Again, I am glad I did. But last Friday, I was leaving a friend who I had visited, and I thought about why I was leaving. It came to mind that I simply didn't want to go through the hassle of getting a new job, dropping responsibility on others of leaving work, it would be trying finding an apartment, etc. I mean, this was all a knee jerk reaction to wanting to stay an extra day, but it was still a strong urge. I made my decision (to go back to work in a timely manner) because I didn't want to tip the boat.
So, what would happen if I pursued only my own happiness a la Adam Smith? Well, I would be semi-broke at best, probably. Scouting doesn't pay so hot. I would be joining a bunch of club sports and playing video games every night. I would have fun! But something else came up to me. When reading about the life of Mill, he had a mental breakdown. Not surprising; he was raised by a father who never showed emotion, a mother described as cold and unfeeling, relegated to thinking he himself was an imbecile because his father made him re-write his analytic papers until they were perfect, and had no friends. His epiphanous break down was regarding happiness; he stated in his autobiography "Suppose that all your objects in life were realized; that all the changes in institutions and opinions which you are looking forward to, could be completely effected at this very instant: would this be a great joy and happiness to you? And an irrepressible self-consciousness distinctly answered "No!" At this my heart sank within me: the whole foundation on which my life was constructed fell down. All my happiness was to have been found in the continual pursuit of this end. The end had ceased to charm, and how could there ever again be any interest in the means? I seemed to have nothing left to live for."
I decided I should test this; What am I working for, and what will I feel if I accomplish it all?
Well, that will be a post for another day!
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