There was a man. He ran in the morning, missed the garbage truck each Tuesday, drank his coffee, went to work as an accountant every day, and went to bed with a wall of pillows between himself and his wife. He approached each of these mundane tasks with bitterness, resignation, and apparent depression. One things leads to another, and he blows up a Russian mobster with a claymore.
Isn't that a lazy writing trope? Isn't the point of writing to tell you what the one thing is which lead to another?
It turns out he was a highly trained killer, called The Auditor; a man tasked with doing things no one else in the world could do, taking out men who could not be reached. He left his brutal life to begin a family, but he tried to make himself so normal, to have the standard life, to leave behind everything about himself which was violent and aggressive.
It didn't work.
I will get to what this has to do with Gospel principles...
My parents are recovering alcoholics and addicts. They have accepted "I am an alcoholic." For me, this holds a specific power; just because I think, feel, or experience something, does not necessarily demonize me. When my parents feel they need to drink, it is able to be confronted with an understanding of "Yes, of course. My whole life there will be times I feel the need to drink." It does not require feeling shame or fear at the urge.
When it comes to the Auditor, he confronted the feelings and thoughts he had of aggression and brutality with powerful correction. This is not who he was trying to be anymore. He wanted to change. He tried to squash it completely. He tried to eradicate it. He tried to live a life as boring and mundane as possible. He attempted to be as safe a man as possible, as distanced from violence as he felt was possible. And he failed.
I have reactions to situations which I know are not righteous. I want to yell, scream, and lash out at times. This is not an appropriate way to confront a towel which will not stay where I throw it. However, the initial impulse to yell at it is me. The conscious decision to not yell, and to calmly pick it up, fold it, and place it where it belongs is the grace of God working in my life to help me be the man, husband, and father I want to be.
While I cannot change who I was, I can, through the all encompassing miracle of the Atonement, change who I will be. And for that, I am happy.
