I will not show fear...

Fear is the mind killer. I will face my fear and it will pass through me, and when it is gone there will be nothing, only I will remain.

The above line is an abbreviation of the Litany Against Fear used in Frank Herbert’s “Dune.” It is a saying I have enjoyed and is spoken in the book, and related movies, to master fear, to control yourself at times when fear can take over and create panic or inaction. I am currently in a situation where I need some help, some spur to act.

I have yet to schedule my final appointment to go through a number of health tests (urine analysis, extensive shots, medicinal records, blood test, etc.), as well as to meet with the stake Patriarch, and I do believe it is because of fear. Not so much fear of getting needles stabbed in my arms or anything of that nature, but more so fear of being cleared to leave. I had decided long ago to not go on a mission, and I have yet to fully dedicate myself, and I have been subconsciously holding myself back. I have not progressed in applying for a mission in over a month. Since September began, I have only gotten a physical and a dental check up. I have done other preparation (studying scripture, journaling, meeting with the Bishop), but I have not allowed myself to get closer to leaving for two years.

What follows may very well be a very disjointed and random self dialogue regarding my fears and hesitations of progression.

I am nowhere near perfect. I wish I could have heard Bro. Christianson speak this past Sunday at church, because his topic would have done wonders for me. I was given an abbreviated version through my father, and I was told that we are asked to be as Christ and as our Heavenly Father. We are to work toward perfection. From what I gathered, through my father, is that we are never asked to BE perfect, but to always try every day to be better, to strive for perfection as a goal. I had been told this before, but this last talk with my father struck more deeply, and I was more receptive. I cannot ever hope to be perfect, but I can work towards being as sensitive to the  Spirit as I can to learn the gospel, teach others, and better my life and the lives of those around me.

Another reason I am afraid of serving a mission is because I will be thrown out of my comfort zone. I have always been a bit of a loner; I didn’t hang out with people after school (sports practice doesn’t really count at all), my weekends were filled with books and video games, and I didn’t have a roommate my freshman year of college (not by choice, but I definitely embraced it). I was as comfortable alone as with people, and never really needed much contact with others. Even so, I chose to go to St. Norbert instead of BYU because I would be close to home. I wanted the option to surround myself with loving family if I desired. I was putting myself in an unfamiliar environment with hundreds of other people living away from home for the first time. I believe I adjusted swimmingly. I became comfortable with the other students, classes, authority, and even got to the point where I could go to the Bursar and discuss finances easily. If I went to BYU, I would be thousands of miles away, and would not be able to get home if the need arose. I would probably end up like Harry Potter; staying at school except for summer break. I don’t think I have ever been away from home for more than 6 weeks at a time. My parents (especially my father) were almost always willing to come up and bring me home. My dad enjoyed my company, and my mom liked having a very vocal appreciation for her cooking. I know that when I am on my mission, I will not have that option, and it is frightening.

I have grown to like people, and their company. I have made a number of friends at school, and strengthened the friendships I had at home. I am no longer a loner, and have grown accustomed to socializing. I will miss that dearly while I am away. I will also miss football. I have followed football feverishly for years, and hope (it has not yet come to praying for it) that I will be sent to a mission where football is king (and I mean American, not soccer). TV shows, books, and movies are all rather central in my life. I will not be able to indulge myself.

However, I will learn to make God, Christ, and the Gospel the central points of my life. I am nervous and afraid, but I will one day be happier, stronger, and more knowledgeable. THAT I do pray for.